


Something To Do With Moons

by blueskiesandrainbows, dexplease, ftchocoholic, jxc, LottieAnna, PorcupineGirl



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Chuck Tingle eat your heart out, Crack, Fic as coping mechanism, Multi, Vore, alexei 'tater' mashkov is a literal tater tot, aliens? secret lairs? this shit has everything you need, and a moon kink, attic v roach (I FORRGOT ABOUT THAT ONE), escapism tbh, every planet is kinks, everything is a metaphor and nothing is a metaphor, giant moonlike ass, holsom but as a character not a ship, jack zimmermann has a magnum dong, kent parson is a vet but don't worry you'll probably forget about that part, lardo's belly button is a portal, magnum dong™, planetarium sex, somehow fully canon compliant and in now way could this be considered canon compliant, the aces.... >;o(, this is really about democracy, too many kinks, we're all sluts for continuity, weedmobile
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-09
Updated: 2016-11-09
Packaged: 2018-08-30 00:30:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8511793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueskiesandrainbows/pseuds/blueskiesandrainbows, https://archiveofourown.org/users/dexplease/pseuds/dexplease, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ftchocoholic/pseuds/ftchocoholic, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jxc/pseuds/jxc, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LottieAnna/pseuds/LottieAnna, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PorcupineGirl/pseuds/PorcupineGirl
Summary: "If you believe in yourself, Bittle, you can do anything." So Bitty tried, and tried, and tried, until he did.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This heartbreaking work of staggering genius was the result of three hours of co-authorship on a google doc while we tried to avoid the election results.
> 
> Thanks to tinypotatos for beta-ing and other members of #epikinkster for input and in some cases co-authorship that can't yet be formally acknowledged because they don't have ao3 accounts yet.
> 
> PS The spelling gets better on average after the first bit, but not uniformly so. (whichever one of you wrote this note is a goddamn liar. nothing about the spelling or grammar gets better at all lmao yikes)

Jack ripped bittys pants open and was amazed at the soft moonlike ass that stared back at him.

“Your butt is so soft and moonlike” Jack gasped

“I know, it’s the mooniest softest moonlike ass ever” moaned Bitty

“I love the moon almost as much as I love your ass Eric, thank you for making my loves come togther” gasped jack (I said gasped again because it’s important ahtnkts)

“My ass loves you back” saus bitu

“Oh, we’ll come together all right,” bitty replies

“HELL YEAH!!” screams jack “I love when we come togeher” “

Ok but Jack honey you have to fuck me first,” e”ric panted “Right,” jack said. “Your asss just makes me want to come all on it own.. No forelay babyee just booty look”

“If you’re gonna come that fast you better stick it in me soon,” eric said, “or else you won’t get any of this sweet soft moon”

“FORGET THE LUBE, I NEED YOUR SWEET SOFT MOONLIKE ASS NOW” jack screamed as if his life depended on it

“Honey,” Eric gasped “What will happen at our date to the planetarium I have scheduled for next week... are you going to come as soon as you see the moon?”

“GOD DAMN IT ERIC NOT THE PLANETARIUM!!!! THAT PLACE MAKES ME HORNIER THAN HELL!!!!!”

Bitty pulled his pants up and turned around. “You kinky devil. I’ve always wanted to get my ass fucked in a planetarium. LET’S GO.”

“Shitty’s going to be so proud of us, broadening our sexcapade horizons..”

“I”LL TEXT HIM RIGHT NOW!!! HE AND LARDO CAN HELP US BREAK IN!!, god knows my dainty little southern hands can’t pick a lock”

“Yes but then they have to leave.” jack whispered “no one gets to see that soft moonlike ass but me” “Of course honey, this soft moon booty is all yours”

Bitty got a reply from shitty right away.

Shitty: Ok we’ll break in w you, but I get to fuck lardo in there when you guys are done.

Bitty: Deal.

“Honey, we have to make it fast. Shitty and Lardo are gonna fuck in there when we’re done.”

“That’s fine, I’ll probably come in my pants as soon as I see a fucking photo of the goddamn moon, that shit makes me hornier than god on the first tuesday in january.”

They hopped in Jack’s big manly pickup truck and raced to the planetarium.

“If the moon makes /you/ horny… THEN THIS MANLY PICKUP TRUCK MAKES /ME/ HORNY”

“Bits.. your dad has a pickup truck”

“What’s your point?”

“That’s gross”

“I LOST MY VIRGINITY IN THAT PICKUP TRUCK”

“I know I was there.”

“That fourth of july was hella lit wasn’t it baby boiiiii”

“You know I love it when you call me baby boiiii” jack groaned “ are you TRYING TO KILL ME”

“Baby don’t worry, I see shitty pulling up in his weedmobile, we’ll be in the planetarium in no time.”

“I wonder what planet makes shitty and lardo the horniest”

They didn’t have long to wonder. Just then, Lardo jumped out of the weedmobile screaming “FUCK YEAAAHHHH JUPITER BABY COME TO MAMA!”

“I THOUGHT WE AGTREED ON URANUS LARDDS, WHY YOU GOTTA DO THIS TO A MAN, I SWEAR I DON”T HAVE HOMOEROTIC TENDENCIES” shitty all about wailed

“I didn’t agree to uranus, I agreed to fuck your anus. Under the picture of Jupiter. Keep up, shits. I brought the special strap-on.”

“The special one? You mean the one that looks like an alien dick? God I love you”

“Okay you two,” bitty jumped in, “I don’t need to hear about your perversions. I have a man with a moon kink to satisfy.”

“This man with a MAGNUM DONG™ AND A MOON KINK” jack wheezed out “Don’t forget the MAGNUM DONG™ ERIC RICHARD ‘DICKY’ BITTLE YOU IDIOT, THEY MIGHT QUESTION MY MANHOOD”

“I’d never forget the magnum dong™ baby boiiiiiii” bitty winked.

Suddenly, jack and bitty realized that while they’d been distracted by jack’s MAGNUM DONG™ shitty had already broken into the planetarium. He and lardo were already halfway to the jupiter exhibit.

“NOOOO!! WE GOT FIRST DIBS ON THE PLANETARIUM FUCKING!” Bitty cried out.

“Dibs are a sacred thing… shitty must honor them.” jack moaned

“RUN JACK RUN” bitty hopped on jack’s shoulders.

Jack ran as fast as he could, with Bitty on his shoulders, using the magnum dong™ as a riding crop. “It’s a good thing this dong just makes you faster honey” bitty breathed But it was too late! By the time they got in there, Lardo was half naked and nearly had the crazy alien strap-on in place. Shitty, having already been naked on the drive over, was smearing lube on his uranus hole.

“Well damn,” Jack said, screeching to a halt. “I guess we’ll just have to watch them fuck first.”

“You know, the moon exhibit is in the other corner honey, we can both fuck at the SAME TIME!!!”

They all got into position and soon all that could be heard in the silent planetarium was the fwap of skin and jack’s guttural screams for the moon.

“Baby boii, you’re rich enough… LETS FUCK ON THE MOON NEXT TIME” bitty was screaming, but his moans were getting in the way. That was all it took to send Jack hurtling over the edge like ransom and holster in a barrel over niagara falls. His magnum dong™ was so filled with man juice that the fluid was dripping all over the floor. It made such a splash that Shitty and Lardo looked up from the jupiter corner.

“Why don’t you have a magnum dong™?” shitty asked lardo “This alien dick really isn’t doing it for me”

“Well fine,” Lardo said, pulling her alien dick out and swinging it around. “Why don’t you just go ask bitty if Jack can give you some of his magnum dong™?”

Jack sighed and pulled out of bitty, not that bitty needed his dong anymore, they had both come like firetrucks trying to put out the fire at a childrens hospital.

“Hey bits,” Shitty said, trying to keep the lube from slipping out of his ass as he crossed the planetarium, “can I borrow your magnum dong™ for a minute?”

“Um this is MY MAGNUM DONG™,” Jack protested, but Shitty and Bitty both just gave him a pitying look.

“Sure, shitty honey, just make sure I get it back in tip top shape,” bitty said, and pushed jack toward him.

Jack looked at shittys ass. Not moonlike. He glared at the hairy sasquatch ass® and looked back at bitty. “I”m taking away your oven. I”M GOING TO RIP IT OUT OF THE DIDDLY DARN DANG WALL. I”M NOT FUCKING THIS SASQUATCH ASS® OVER HERE.”

Shitty gasped and touched his ass. He was shocked and offended that his best friend would say something like that. He knew that Lardo thought his sassy sasquatch ass® was perfect just the way it was. He ripped himself away from Jack and ran out the door.

“Even that hairy sassy sasquatch ass® won’t keep you warm!” Bitty screamed after him.

“Bitch did you just chase off the guy who still owes me an orgasm?!” Lardo screeched from across the planetarium. She grew two (2) extra arms and flicked Jack off FOUR (4) TIMES!!! Bitty stared after her and wondered why she hadn’t just grown a magnum dong™.

“I CAN”T GROW PENISES ERIC IT’S MY WEAKNESS” she screetched. “THATS WHY I HAVE THIS SUPER SPECIAL ALIEN DICK STRAP ON”

Bitty was astonished, she had read his mind. WHO WAS LARDO REALLY, WHY WAS SHE HERE. WHAT WAS SHE DOING WITH US.

“Okay,” Jack said, grabbing bitty by the shoulders and shaking him. “I have to go chase down shitty, Lardo’s orgasm is up to you. And since she’s clearly some kind of supernatural being or possibly a god, YOU BETTER CUM THROUGH, BITS.”

 

Bitty looked at his small little peepeeweewee, and then gasped! HE HAD AMAZING SOFT HANDS. AND A SOFT MOONLIKE BUTTOCKS (although his ass had nothing to do with pleasing the god in front of him). Lardo was one step ahead of him, and grabbed his hands like they were the only thing keeping her alive. She took three fingers and plunged them straight through her bellybutton.

“WHO ARE YOU” bitty let out the shrillest cry

“I am the one who faps in the night” (I’ve never seen breaking bad but it’s the only think I could think of n It’s quoted a lot) Suddenly, from her bellybutton, two tall DMen emerged, as if from another dimension, only accessible from Lardo’s Belly Button Portal®©. As they popped through the portal she let out a cry that was only comparable to the things you have nightmares about, Clowns.

“WHERE ARE WE?” Said Ransom, except it wasn’t Ransom because he hasn’t been introduced yet. “

I believe we’re in a planetarium,” said Holster! Except it wasn’t Holster because they haven’t been introduced yet.

“Let’s see, Bitty’s naked, Lardo is showing her true form…” not!Ransom pondered.“Did you guys come here to let jack fuck the moon?”

BItty gasped, this must have been the Prophecy he had read about in the swallow last year.

“Make love to me, my gorgeous fellow DMan! Make love to me under the soft light of Saturn!” cried Ransom.

“NO!” screamed bitty

“Why not my sweet small-dicked pie maker” Holsom groaned

“BECAUSE THE PROPHECY STATES THAT THE ONES WHO MAKE LOVE UNDER THE SOFT LIGHT OF SATURN aRE TURNED INTO ROACHES ANd EATEN BY THe entirety of the Las Vegas aces “

“NOT THE ACES” holsom screamed in unison

“I knew those aces were dirty roach eaters” bitty mubmbled “I’m glad jack and his MAGNUM DONG™ are safe and sound.”

“NOT SAFEEEE” the one who looked like Lardo screetched “THE ACES HAVE GOTTEN TO THEM”

“We must band together, holsom, alien goddess lardo, take my hands and we will become one.”

The gripped each other for dear life and slowly morphed into what could only be classified as A GIANT MOONLIKE ASS. The ass was truly magnificent as it crashed through the walls of the planetarium like the koolaid man.

Shitty stared up at the ass as it rolled past the weedmobile. “Giant moonlike ass, you’re Jack and his magnum dong™’s only hope! The Aces have taken them to their secret roach catching lair!”

 

The ass hopped right into Shitty’s weedmobile and engulfed Shitty like a hairy butt plug. The ass hiccuped as it felt the buttplug enter. It had not felt like this for a millennia. It tightened around sassy shitty sasquatch. The pleasure it was receiving was epic. The ground shook as the orgasm ripped through the moonlike ass entity. The power of the shitty-powered orgasm propelled the giant moon ass through the night sky toward the Aces’ secret roach catching lair, which was in HELLA COOL HAWAII.

 

Having heard the noise, Lord Kennent Parson, DDS, DVM, DMV, Esq, of the Las Vegas Aces looked up, his galaxy colored voids wide.

“IT CAN’T BE!!” Lord and Duke and DOCTOR OF SWEET ASS Parson exclaimed to his naked manservant/occasional lover in the nighttime and sometimes during the day Swoops. “THEY HAVE COME FOR THE MAGNUM DONG™!”

Hearing his nemesis’s (and former lover’s (and veterinarian’s WHY IS KENT HIS VET WHAT ANIMAlS DO ziMNITS HAVE that’s in the backstory that will be revealed in the origin story sequel to this fic)) cry, Jack looked to the sky. “The moon… it reminds me of Bittle’s ass… BITTLE!”

Jack used his magnum dong™ as a jump rope and also a pogo stick, and lept into the sky. The sky was engulfed by his big hockey bod as he danced the merengue towards Providence RI, in search of Bittle.

The Magnum Dong™ freed, the Giant Moonlike Ass© flew down to crush Lord Duke Doctor “Doctor” Parson and Manservant Lover Swoops and all their evil Aces accomplices. AccomplAces, if you would. The Giant Moonlike Ass © twerked rhythmically over them until they were crushed? The Giant Moonlike Ass © twerked rhythmically over them until they were crushed!

All of a sudden, Johnson said, “can we put a sentence in here about Nursey and Dex? Please, i feel like they should be here?“ and so Nursey and Dex entered the story IN HAWAII.

“DEX!” Nursey cried, “You ALMOST DROPPED OUR POTATO PAL AND FALCONERS PLAYER OF KNIFE SHOES ICE GAME ALEXEI ‘TATER’ MASHKOV!”

Dex glanced down at his hand and made sure their little potato bud was secure in his right hand, and used his left hand to fix the weedmobile with his really long arms that reached providence k? They were in Hawaiii and Nurse got really hot from seeing dex fix things. “

DEX WHY DID YOU DO THIS YOU KNOW NOTHING MAKES ME HOT LIKE SEEING YOU FIX THINGS” Nursey wrote gay poetry about Dex because he had special gay vision that let him see to providence from hawaii He absolutely did and that’s why he tried very hard to not come all over the poetry he was currently writing. And also the weedmobile? Maybe Dex could hear nursey his ears are FUCKIN MASSIVE THATS WHY Dex was now hot too (hot damn) even though he secretly had a very massive garden kink but also a controversial venus kink because this planet hasn’t been mentioned enough :/ dex/venus s a rarepair Nursey secretly wants to be shipped with the weed mobile and dex he is polycarmorous and needs to be in a sexual relationship with at least two other people or inanimate objects in order to truly be happy.

That’s why seeing dex fixing the weed mobile did it for him he imagined being in between the two and experiencing both their attention But also he secretly wished the Magnum Dong™ would penetrate his eyeballs right now While Dex was fixing the weedmobile, causing Nursey to have spontaneous orgasms, Shitty popped out of the Giant Moonlike Ass © with a squelch and came out to see what the frogs were up to.

he shouted when he saw them and tripped over his own feet, landing in nusey’s sperm

 

Also everyone wondered where chowder was. He was asleep at the Haus and missed the whole shebang, that’s where Chowder was. He was better off for it. Sunshine child Chowder did not need to be defiled by the Giant Moonlike Ass© or any of this mess.

 

Farmer was suddenly at the planetarium though because at least she didn’t want to miss everything like her dumb boyfriend always did. She wanted to tell him later about it but he probably wouldn’t want to listen to it. She was pissed of because she could never have REAL FUN with her sunshine bf.she really loved Chowder though because his innocence kind of got her going.

 

Shitty stood up again and walked towards the weedmobile. He didn’t care though he kind of knew that he would need Bad Bob Zimmermann there and he needed some Zimms Ass ™ right now but from an older person so Bad Bob it was.

He didn't really think about the fact he wouldn't get there in time. Thankfully the wonderful goddess of a wife and mother Alicia Zimmermann woke up with a start. She grabbed her husband and tugged them into the closet to find her dorothy slippers. She slid the silver shoes on and chanted “There’s no place like wherever the Giant Moonlike Ass© is, there’s no place like where the Giant Moonlike Ass© is, there’s no place like where the Giant Moonlike ass© is” she tapped them bitchin slippers together three times and popped through the space time continuum.

 

Nobody knew what was going on anymore but nursey still wanted to have sex with the weed mobile and Dex. Now that he was finally in providence he took of all his clothes and jumped onto Dex’s hands that were working on the weed mobile.

The Giant Moonlike Ass © , having returned to its place of origin, shapeshifted until it was once again merely Bitty, Alien Goddess Lardo, and Holsom. 

Nursey now low key wanted some of that as well.

 

Farmer just watched the whole thing and made notes that she could show her sunshine boyfriend later.

“BITTLE!!!” exclaimed Jack and his MAGNUM DONG™ simultaneously. “I THOUGHT I WOULD NEVER AGAIN GAZE UPON OR FUCK UPON YOUR BEAUTFIUL MOONLIKE ASS©.”

“Oh jack baby boiiii you say the sweetest things!!!” Bitty said with love eyes.

 

Literal potato pal and falconers player of knife shoes ice game Alexei ‘Tater’ Mashkov had been forgotten in the kerfuffle and ended up as mash on the ground. Luckily for him Lord Kennent Parson, DDS, DVM, DMV, Esq, of the Las Vegas Aces was also crushed up as mash on the ground and they got along splendidly also, this is an au where tater’s an actual sentient tater tot The only person that absolutely wanted to be with tater was Lord Duke Doctor “Doctor” Kennent parson Esq who would never admit this because he tried to fuck away the only feelings he had. Swoops knew that Kennent was in love with Literal potato pal and falconers player of knife shoes ice game Alexei ‘Tater’ Mashkov but had fucked him anyways, because he was hella lonely. Kennent wrote about his love for tatee nearly every hour that’s why he had bought a diary that could also transform into lipstick or a cape whenever he needed to be dramatic.

That was very often by the way the Aces really had had enough of his shit but they kind of loved him anyway. He didn’t know that tatee had a potato shaped diary he used twice as often. Everyone else knew though because tatee had told everyone once when he had been drunk on some Moon Juice ™

 

Anyhow BACK TO JACK AND BITTY WHO ARE THE STARS OF THIS FIC and who have not gotten to finish making their sweet sweet love as they both required multiple orgasms to be truly sated. Also they wanted to cuddle because cuddlin is supes great and they don’t get enough of it because they lived in different places. Jack watched bitty’s aweet ass adoringly. He wanted to cum just by eating out bitty. But he accidentally swallowed bitty whole whoops :/

Butty screamed from inside of Jack. “Honey why did you do this I can’t have an orgasm inside of you even though we’re really close now”

Jack said “BUTS IF YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! I BELIEVE IN YOU! MY MAGNUM DONG™ BELIEVES IN YOU! WE’RE A TEAM!”

Butty realized that Jack was right, if he truly believed in himself he could have an orgasm even after being swallowed whole by his true love.

He diddled himself until he came buckets all over the inside of Jack’s stomach lining. Jack thought that was RWALLY hot and had to hold himself back not to spill his magnum dong™’s juice right then and there. He wanted to last longer but it was so hard when he could feel how butty had filled him. He finally let loose, his manly cum juice spurting out of his Magnum Dong™ in many waves like the tides on the shores of Hawaii near the Aces roach lair.

It was so much he accidentally filled up the sea and drowned Australia.

And that was when he realized that, in the end, the true Giant Moonlike Ass© was the friends we made along the way.

 

That was the last thing Farmer said to Chwoder when she tucked him into bed. This was the best bedtime story she’d ever told him even though he had been sleeping the WHOLE DAMN TIME. She couldn’t wait until they were married with 10 kids to tell them the story of all their hockey uncles and alien auntie. THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Next time on Magnum Dong ™ and friends:  
> WATCH AS THE GIANT MAGNUM DONG ™ TRIES TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD (actually it’s the Giant Moonlike Ass © but shh they can be a superhero duo or like… a gem fusion idk (another one??) (Yes!!!!!)))

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Something To Do With Moons](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8712649) by [PhagePods (DancingDragon42)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DancingDragon42/pseuds/PhagePods)




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